More blessings than fingers...

Jameson's prayer tonight: Dear Heavenly Faver (he pronounces "th" as a "v" sound),

Thank you for the sugar slushy today,

thank you for the sugar cereal I got to have,

thank you that we could go swimming,

and I am thankful that the Lord watches me,

in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

His prayers are short, very thoughtful, and he says them fairly slowly, so I get to feel each part of his prayer. They are always very, very sweet. These nightly prayers bring me back to the simple gratitude I so often forget to feel, as I'm busily trying to tie up the loose ends of the day and get the boys ready for bed and tucked away. I feel run ragged-to use a phrase my mom used growing up--sometimes I don't let myself enjoy it as I should.

Caleb and Will knocked at the door 2 hours after I put Brooks and Jameson in bed, after some swimming and smores roasting at Jon and Jenny Norton's home. As we hit the floor for prayers before they toppled into bed, Caleb began to complain because he didn't want to say the prayer and really wanted to throw his exhausted body into his bed (swimming 3 times in one day can do that to a boy) and I had to remind him of some of his blessings today (sometimes laying it on thick can work so nicely).

After he prayed and he and Will climbed into bed, just before I turned out the light, I reminded them about how their Great Grandma Rose used to go to sleep counting her blessings. Caleb had to fix his reading light on his wall, and as I gave him time to fix it before I hit the lights, I glanced over at Will--whose back was towards me, but I could see a hand full of out-stretched fingers and then more going up one by one on his other hand. It took me back a little. He had listened to my thought about his great grandma and his little seven-year-old fingers were helping him count all of his blessings. Oh the sweetness of little ones! It is moments like these that I remember just how innocent and precious they are at this stage of life.

As the philosopher Goerte so simply expressed, Nothing is more important than this day. For me, after busy days with my boys, nothing feels sweeter than to have an experience at night, confirming to me that the work and energy I put into teaching my boys is realized--sometimes just for a moment. I need to remember to bask in the sweetness of now. Nothing I did yesterday needs to be rehashed again, or the list for tomorrow. It's when I feel the Lord's love through these tender moments, that my life is joyful. Count your blessings, name them one by one: Matthew (on a plane bound for the Phillipines), Caleb, William, Jameson and Brooks. What a life I have.

Caleb's Baptismal Day

What a beautiful day. I didn't anticipate the tender feelings I experienced that day. I felt very proud of Caleb, and his decision to take this step towards his Heavenly Father. The Lord blessed me, as his mother, to feel the spirit deeply and be touched by God's love.

There was much to plan, clean and prepare the week and days before the big day because we had lots of loved ones join us: Maria and Thys from Indiana (a surprise), Grandma and Grandpa Lohner, and Grandma and Grandpa Winkel. Talk about getting special treatment! Caleb loved the entire week leading up to Saturday, October 10th.

We arrived at the church a few minutes early to snap some pictures of Caleb in his whites. As I saw Caleb and Matt come around the corner, both wearing their white baptismal suits, I felt the sweetness of the spirit and so much gratitude to have both a husband worthy to perform the baptism, and a son wanting to follow the Savior. I had to wipe the mascara away before I could be in the picture with them!

Even though October 10th was a stake baptism day, Caleb was the only child being baptized which was so nice. It was really a day devoted to him. Brooks Moore, our great family

friend shared a talk on Baptism that was so great. He shared with Caleb that after he was baptized and he continued to make mistakes he so wanted to be baptized again. He then spoke about the sacrament ordinance and how Caleb could be clean again each week if he chose to have repentant heart and remember what the Savior offered up for us through His sacrifice. It was such a sweet talk. We then all filed into the room connected to the font. Wow, what a beautiful feeling, seeing my husband and son in the baptismal font. I loved every second, watching them, listening to the baptismal prayer and feeling the spirit testify to me that this is why we teach them; this is why we have family prayer when there is utter chaos before bed; this is why we have Family Home Evening even when our boys are bouncing from couch to couch and getting in a wrestle or two while Matt and I are trying to teach them something. As Elder Bednar talked about consistency in family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening in conference a couple weeks ago, his thoughts have stayed with me. It does seem exhausting, exasperating, and fruitless sometimes. But seeing these two who I love so much participate together in Caleb's baptism was so tender for me--truly a pay day.

After Caleb and Matt changed and joined us for the remainder of the program, our family stood up and sang, "I Know that My Savior Loves Me." The spirit was more than I could handle as I listened to Caleb and Will's sweet voices belt out, "I know He lives. I will follow faithfully. My heart I give to him. I know that my Savior loves me." Several times during the song I could not hear Matt's voice; I looked over and saw his head down: he wasn't able to withstand the emotion either. The boys sang beautifully and Matt and I joined in when we could. :-) This, for me, was probably the most tender portion of the baptism. Truly, our boys were sharing their testimonies through this sweet song and it was a little bit of heaven listening to them and feeling the spirit fill the room.

Sharon Cliff, my friend and visiting teacher, then shared a beautiful talk on the Holy Ghost. She had asked me to bring Jameson's green silky blanket--that he can absolutely not live without. (He gets upset when I wash it and it's tied up for a spell!) As she spoke of the Holy Ghost as a comforter, and talked about this silky blankee that Jameson loves, and wants to carry it around to comfort him, I know Caleb understood one of the principle roles of the Holy Ghost. When she held the blankee up, Caleb grinned. He didn't know she would be bringing it and using it in her talk.

After the program we all came back to our house for lots of yummy food and chatted with family and friends. Caleb snarfed down dinner and then ran out back to throw the football around with Jack Mont and Thys.

My mom and dad flew out that night. Matt's parents left on Monday. We felt so blessed to have them come and be with Caleb on his big day, and share such a special time with us. I felt exhausted--yet spiritually on a high. Isn't that how it goes most of the time? You totally expended everything you have, whether it's physical, mental, or emotional energy--giving your all to something, and then the Lord allows you to feel His love and an outpouring of inspiration. This is what I experienced with his baptism. It was stressful preparing for the company that would be coming, making baptismal invitations to give out to neighbors, and Matt and I had even butted heads over a few things that week before. And then to have an outpouring of the spirit like that, felt so wonderful. October 10, 2009 is a day I want to remember forever.

Happy 9th Anniversary Darling!

Can you believe we have been married for nine years?! I never dreamed of the joy that marriage and family has brought me. Wow! Our life together is beautiful, thrilling, exhausting, rewarding, happy and eternal! So glad you are mine forever.

My Son is Eight

Caleb turns eight tomorrow. My son is growing up. Tonight he met with Bishop Haug for his baptismal interview. He looked so handsome in his white shirt and tie. As we approached the church doors, I reached over to hold his hand. He pulled his hand from my reach and with a smirk told me, "I'm too old for that Mom." I nearly cried. Where have the days gone? Or maybe it's the years that are slipping away.

For years women who have grown children have told me, "Enjoy these days, they will be over before you know it." And with a smile I have replied, "I know." But really, I don't know. As Caleb begins to pull away from me a bit--not too much now, but I can see a few changes, I begin thinking of the times, the days, that I have not cherished life with him. I think with each child I have been able to absorb the sweetest more deeply. Maybe it's because I know that I'm one closer to leaving that precious place of having a sweet baby.

I'm trying each day to cherish motherhood. This past summer, while in Utah, my eyes were open to the possibilities of losing one of mine--one of my children. I saw a sweet friend of mine from Austin who had just lost her precious three-year-old daughter, Sarah, to cancer. A few weeks later, as me and the boys were having dinner at my mom's house, just one street up from where we were, a sweet family lost there 4 year old, Cooper, to a tragic accident in the driveway. They are in my parent's ward. This beautiful family experienced a terribly tragic event that took one of their precious ones home to our Savior. My sweet friend had a few months to prepare to leave her little Sarah. My parent's neighbor didn't have any notice. I want to live each day with my children, having them know in every moment how much they are loved. What a goal! (Especially when you know what a stinker my little Jameson can be. :-)

It's funny how unimportant the daily grind really becomes juxtaposed to the thought of losing a child.

I'm so grateful. Grateful to be a mother. Grateful for the lessons I'm learning, and especially grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It is real. I know these women who have lost little ones, have been recipients of the great healing power of the Atonement. How blessed I am to have the gospel.

The Haka

What a day to be a cougar fan! This game absolutely thrilling, as was being in the fantastic new cowboys stadium--a truly unforgetable night. Caleb loved the stadium facts that we learned from a friend: one being that the mega screen cost more than the total cost of the old stadium. :-)

Some friends of ours, Ronnie and Jodee, stayed with us and also attended the game. And even though we missed the Haka at the end, the boys insisted on war paint and reenacting the Haka themselves on Sunday. We couldn't get them to calm down, or to stop when it was time, and eventually they had marker from head to toe and had to be scrubbed down in the shower that night. (I should have taken a picture of the head-to-toe rainbow of colors that Will and Jameson had done to themselves. These pictures were taken before things got out of hand!)

Mama and Baby Bird

Jameson and I ate lunch with little Will at his new school this past week. As we arrived Will was being reprimanded for some rowdy behavior and consequently was the very last child in the lunch line. Boy was he happy to see us! After we got our trays and sat down, Will took Jameson under his wing and gave him the lunchroom lowdown--everything from using the utensil that is shaped like a spoon but has prongs on top (the spork) for both fork things and spoon things and then how it's dangerous to hide under the tables because you can really hurt yourself (Jameson loved climbing under the table!). What a precious sight. Will loves Jameson to death. He often turns on his "sweetie" voice and plays the role of the Mama bird helping baby bird. I loved just soaking it all in. What a sweet moment for a mom.

A Great Day...done!

Today was nothing short of two miracles: the first being that my boys all held still for both a picture on the front porch and their father's blessings tonight from Matt, the second being that a sweet friend/neighbor of mine accepted the invitation to come to church with us today and came--with her daughter, for all three hours of church! Very exciting. I love this gospel and I'm so grateful for the joys that I'm experiencing lately. 

My boys start school tomorrow morning. It's Will's first day of Kindergarten--a big deal for both of us! I will have more pictures of the excitement tomorrow. 

"The Things They Say" 

Will came into the laundry room as I was putting Jameson's tie on him for church. Will puts his arm around Jameson and says, "Jameson your tie is the most important part of your church outfit--actually, it's your underwear, but your tie is still very important."

Super Baby

Rough day.

Eight weeks down and Thirty-two to go.... What Makes Me Sick?

The word is out! (Thanks to me:-) I'm pregnant, due April 22nd. I've been so thrilled to be pregnant, and then sick to boot, that I just couldn't keep it in any longer. The most random things contribute to my bouts of nausea through-out the day. As I was listening to myself tell Matt about how disgusting the hand soap made me feel in the kitchen and "please don't leave the fan on in the bathroom, the sound makes me sick," I realized how seriously riduculous I must have sounded. But it's true! Mostly smells, but some sounds and feels only exaserbate my continuous nausea. I thought that they should be written down for my future little one. (Maybe he or she will have a strong aversion to these things when they come into this world, who knows!)

What Makes Me Sick, The List:

Smelly Handsoap (anything of fruit descent)

Warm showers & moist bathrooms

Onions

Ground Beef

The sound of the bathroom fan

The after taste of my vitamens

A dark house in the daytime

Curry

What I Crave:

Ice and Cold Drinks

Grapefruit

Apples and Peanut Butter

Soda Crackers and PB

Veggie Sandwiches with the works

Avocado

Tater Tots

French Fries and CocaCola

Refried Beans and Mexican Rice

I'll probably add to these lists as the next five weeks come and go. I'm crossing my fingers that this nausea will come and go with the first trimester--like with my other three little rascals. 

But as for now, nausea is a good sign and I'm very happy to have a little one growing in my tummy.

Oh, this is fun (ok, not really). I'm already showing. Seriously, I'll be pulling out my maternity clothes very soon. What in the world! Age is a nasty thing. 

Tuesday

Every mother that feels God-like love for her child has experienced the nightmare of losing him. On Tuesday afternoon, as I waited for the ambulance to arrive, I held Jameson in my arms and watched his body seizure--for 17 minutes with no relief-- wondering if he was going to come out of it.

Me, Matt and the boys had packed a day bag and were on our way over to see the rest of the Lohner family, at their condo on Ideal Beach. As we got to the parking lot, the camera case slid off my shoulder and hit Jameson's head on it's way down. Jameson became upset and I could see him beginning to hold his breath. He passed out, as he has done before, and I always instinctively pick him up and hold him. Only this time was different. He didn't wake up. As I held him, he started having a seizure. Panicked, I called 911.


By this point, the few guests there in the parking lot began to surround us asking what they could do to help. A kind man brought Jameson into his condo and covered his body with a blanket. After a couple more minutes I scooped him up in my arms and went outside to wait for the ambulance. Matt called John to come and help administer to him. Each minute that passed felt like an hour as his little body continued to convulse.

After fifteen minutes the ambulance finally arrived and loaded him onto the stretcher. John had just arrived. I asked the paramedic if they could give Jameson a blessing. His response startled me, "Do you need some oil?" He was LDS and had some oil there in the ambulance.

The paramedics continued to work on Jameson while Matt and John blessed him. I heard Matt say Jameson's name at the beginning, but that's all I heard over the sirens and commotion inside the ambulance.

Only one of us could ride in the ambulance, so Matt jumped in our car and followed the ambulance and I down the canyon. I rode up front with the driver, but I kept looking back to see if Jameson's body had stopped seizing. After 32 minutes he still hadn't stopped. The paramedics didn't have the supplies they needed for an IV, so they radioed into Logan to have an ambulance come and meet us in the canyon.

It was only the first 5 minutes of the ride that I was able to use my cell phone. I frantically called my mom, my dad, my mom's cell phone, but no-one picked up. I called Gavin. I choked through a brief account of what was going on, and asked him to say a prayer for Jameson--and to get a hold of Mom and Dad.

After we transferred into the Logan ambulance in the canyon, they injected him with Valium. It took several minutes, but finally Jameson's little body stopped seizing. It had been 45 minutes.

I tried calling Matt as we went down the canyon into Logan, but there was no cell service. Finally, as we came out of the canyon I was able to get through and leave Matt a message...that Jameson's seizure had finally stopped.

It was awful not being able to talk with Matt as I rode in the ambulance. My panic had dissipated, but I was still very frightened about the effects of the seizure. I couldn't stop my emotions. Jameson was still unconscience as they ran him into emergency.

In the emergency room Jameson seized two more times. After they gave him a dose of an anti- seizure medicine, his body finally relaxed--and stayed that way. The doctors at Logan Regional tried persuading me into keeping Jameson there, but after Matt and I-- and my dad talked it over we felt that he should be at Primary Children's Hospital.

With Jameson stabilized, we were taken by ambulance down to Primary Children's. My dad followed right behind us. At this point, Matt needed to drive back upto Bear Lake, pack our things, and pick up Caleb and Will---who had been with John and Diane's family.

My sweet Dad stayed by my side, with Jameson, until midnight that night when Matt arrived with the boys. It was so nice to have him there to help ask the right questions and to help keep me calm. I remember how his voice trembled when I spoke to him about Jameson, and he told me he was already in the car on his way up to the hospital to be with us. I love my dad. His innate response to drive up--an hour and a half--to be with us meant so much to me.

It had been nearly five hours since Jameson's seizure, and finally, while we were in an ER room at Primary Childrens', Jamson opened his eyes. He looked very drugged, but he mananged a smile, and a "Ba" (for ball). I hugged him and cried as I could see that he was able to respond to me.

Primary Childrens ran a CAT scan, an MRI, an EEG, an EKG, a spinal tap, blood test, and every other relative analysis. We stayed for almost three days. We spoke with three pediatricians, two pediatric neurologists and many other doctors who visited us to talk about Jameson's health. The conclusion was a bit inconclusive for me. I drilled each doctor with questions and hypothetical on things that could have caused the seizure (with some coaching from my dad). When the attending pediatrician told me that their team had concluded that it was really a combination of slight anemia, a fever that spiked(they were not sure if his fever was from his body seizing for 20 minutes--before they took his temp), and maybe some dehydration? It was hard for me to believe that my 13 month old baby had suffered a 45 minute seizure due to these catalysts.

As we checked out of the hospital on the 3rd day, we got a call from the attending pediatrician on our way home saying that they had found a bacteria called C-deficil in his stools, and he needed to be on an antibiotic. They still could not conclude that this bacteria would cause such a seizure...but maybe in a rare case.

More than three weeks have passed since this scare with Jameson, but my feelings are still very close to the surface. Today, Sunday August 12th, I found myself emotional as a friend past me in the hallway and told me that he and his little girls had heard of Jameson's trouble and had been praying for him. At a baby shower, the same thing happened: two friends had mentioned that they, and their kids, had been praying for Jameson while we were in the hospital. I'm so touched at the amount of concern and love that so many people around us felt for our family. I am thankful for each prayer that was offered in our behalf; I know that Heavenly Father listened and we were blessed because of it.

Jameson is back to his happy, sweet, playful self and is doing great. The hospital sent us home with what they term "rescue meds" should it ever happen again--to administer them and then call an ambulance.

I don't have all the answers I would like, but I feel at peace. The Lord continues to bless our family in so many ways, and for his intervention with Jameson, I will always be grateful.

It's 5:15am and Caleb and Will come bounding in Matt and I's room. Caleb has put together his Star Wars Lego ship...one that is marked with the age appropriateness of ages 8-12 years old. Caleb and I went on a little date to Wal-mart last night, where he picked out the Star Wars Lego ship that he had been saving for. He had saved nearly thirty dollars, and after putting aside three for tithing, I said that I could pitch in a little and help him get the one he really wanted.

He only had time to break open the parts and put a few together before it was time for bed...which he obviously could not handle, because he must have been up before 4am in order to finish it completely. So it's just after 5am and Caleb is holding the Star ship above my head, trying to get my attention. Matt being the more patient parent says, "cool buddy!" While I, a bit ticked-off at being awakened so early, have Caleb hand over the Lego ship and tell him that if he and Will do not go get back into bed that they will not be playing with it. As I take the boys upstairs to their room, the lights are on and there are the Star Fighter's spare parts scattered around the room. This kid amazes me; first of all that he would wake up in the middle of the night in order to finish it (no doubt his excitement got the best of him), and second, that he actually put it ALL together--with no help!

After going back to bed, and then waking up two hours later, I felt sorry that I had been so snappy. I tried to be extra peaches and cream when Caleb and Will came downstairs to get ready for church. We let them sleep until 8:45am. We missed sacrament meeting--actually, I made it just in time for the closing prayer...which I was assigned to give! Oh, the life of the Lohner family. Sometimes we are a bit fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants.

I am the Primary Chorister, which in the beginning used to cause me so much anxiety that I often felt vomiting pains before and during my time to lead the kids. Now, however, it is turning into one of my most favorite callings. Today I taught a new song for the program, "Love Is Spoken Here." Towards the end the kids split into their parts: girls first verse, boys second. As the boys sang about the Priesthood power, and I looked out at them sitting up tall in their dress shirts and Sunday suits, I got the chills and felt the spirit touch my heart. These kids are learning the gospel through music, and I feel grateful that the Lord is letting me be a part of this sweet process.

Oh, Caleb lost his first tooth tonight! He actually pulled it out himself with dental floss...that's our boy!